LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX | The Dos and Don’ts of STD Talk
In the hyper-stigmatized world of sex, sexually transmitted diseases carry an extra layer of shame. If you’ve never contracted an STD, you consider yourself “clean” or “careful.” But in reality, avoiding an STD is about luck just as much as precaution. The stigmas surrounding STDs run deep and feel impossible to tackle, but the easiest way to chip away at them is to change how we learn about and respond to STDs.
According to Planned Parenthood, around 50 percent of sexually active people will contract an STD in their life. Other sources estimate this number as high as 80 percent. Meanwhile, the National Institute of Health confirms that the most common STIs contracted are either “curable (gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, etc) or treatable (herpes, HPV, etc) conditions.”
So, if at least half of sexually active people will contract an STD, why are we conditioned to feel ashamed and alone when it happens? Planned Parenthood has a quick answer: “Society generally views sex as a taboo topic, and in doing so, those that contract an STI [STDs] are seen as having committed an immoral act.” But there's more…
The association between contracting an STD and having many sexual partners also fuels STD stigma, but it’s simply not true — it only takes one partner to contract an STD. And despite testing recommendations, only about 20.4 percent of sexually active adolescents report being tested, so many people never know if they've contracted or passed an STD.
Due to the nature of STDs, we are often confronted with them by former partners. So, allow me to walk you through the Dos and Don’ts of how to have the awkward but necessary conversation; statistically speaking, you’ll initiate or receive it at some point.
I invite you to meet Sarah, a friend of mine and a long-time serial monogamist. Recently, she went for her first pap smear and threw in an STD screening just to be safe. Despite her monogamous, non-spontaneous sexual lifestyle, her doctor informed her that somewhere along the way, she’d contracted chlamydia.
Despite being reassured that chlamydia is one of the most common STDs and is completely curable with seven days of antibiotics, Sarah felt ashamed. She took a beat and knew it was time to communicate with her previous partners.
Sarah determined the two phone calls she needed to make: one to her most recent partner and one to the partner from whom she likely contracted the STD. She sent both of them a, “Please call me when you get the chance” text and waited.
Lucky for you and me, Sarah's conversations went very different directions and provided a nearly flawless case study on the yays and nays of an STD talk:
[Note: These “screenshots” have been edited for conciseness and to protect privacy].
Anyone with eight to 10 firing synapses should have no difficulty discerning which of Sarah’s ex-boyfriends I’d give a “good job!” sticker and which one I have some notes on.
Nick, Sarah’s most recent ex, called her immediately — no questions asked.
According to Sarah, the two had a productive conversation that left her feeling reassured and relieved of guilt. At no point did he make Sarah feel like the situation was her fault, nor did he suggest that contracting an STD made either of them guilty or dirty. Nick’s follow-up texts earn him extra points in my book. If you or I ever have to make the “we might have swapped STDs” call, we can only hope that our old partners respond the way Nick did. Five stars from me.
Next, I turn to Richard (Dick).
For starters, Dick didn’t call Sarah. I’ll give him a pass since it's possible their relationship didn’t end on “calling” terms. However, I personally believe that an “it’s important” text warrants a call, regardless of circumstance. No call = minus one star.
What comes next is clearly tense. Dick has a new partner which, situationally, could be a valid reason to question Sarah reaching out, but there were kinder ways for him to do so. (If it’s something really important, let me know. But I don’t feel comfortable calling you without a little more context, given that I have a new partner in my life, etc.) Sarah immediately tried to call Richard, hoping it would be enough for him to trust that she had something important to discuss. No response = minus another star.
Sarah informs me that she and Dick had maintained a friendship in the years since their breakup and that his response (or lack thereof) took her by surprise, prompting her second, more harsh text. Here is where my notes really start. After learning that Sarah had contracted chlamydia, Dick’s first response was: “Did you have it when we were together?”
On the surface, this may seem a fair inquiry. In reality, it reveals that Dick possesses a fundamental misunderstanding (or complete lack of understanding) of sexual health. Remember, very few people are screened for STDs, and most are asymptomatic. Thus, since Sarah just learned that she has chlamydia, there is no way for her to know when she contracted it without consulting the tests and experiences of previous partners. Lack of education = minus one star.
Then came the worst. After Sarah didn’t respond immediately (she was at dinner), Dick doubled down: “If you’re going to tell me you gave me and my [current] girlfriend an STD…”
Pause. Can I just say, woah. If one point needs to be driven home in the fight against STD stigma, it's this: If you choose to have unprotected sex with more than one partner without being tested in between, you are accepting the risk of unknowingly contracting and passing an STD. That responsibility is yours and yours only.
Not only does Dick’s home-hitter prove a lack of basic understanding of the responsibilities of being sexually active, it also wrongly makes Sarah out to be an STD superspreader and attributes unjust guilt and shame to her. Minus all remaining stars.
STDs are a part of being sexually active. Coming in contact with one has nothing to do with how many partners you have and does not make you “clean” or “dirty.” Unfortunately, we live in a world where the Dicks often outnumber the Nicks, but that needs to change. So, take note of the dos and don’ts of these conversations and, if you find yourself having one, do your best to be more of a Nick than a Dick.
Grace Elmore is a student at Cornell University. Comments can be sent to gelmore@cornellsun.com. Grace and her column can be found on Instagram, @graace.elmoree